The Erwin Invitational IV League Articles

I'm working for the #1 draft pick is all

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Booyah!   

What I think of Obama's Idiocy

Here's what I think of Obama's Stupid, wasteful pork-filled plan.

An odd species, it is....

OK I'll let it be. You guys won fair and square. Good game. I'm over it (obviously). 

Typical

Just thought I'd share...

So, so sorry...

uuuuhhh oooohhhh

         Coach J.R. Wetz, with his 3-8 record, told the press today that desperate times call for desperate measures and that if his team, Bush Equals Victory wants to win, corrective measures must be taken.  While there are many different things Coach Wetz could do to improve his team, it is without question that the first step is for Wetz to kick his addiction to crack-cocaine.  Wetz was picked up by police on Sunday after a devastating loss to Coach Matt Damkroger and his team, The Revolution.  According to police, Coach Wetz was running down the street full speed, while simultaneously huffing spraypaint out of a paper bag when they stopped to question him.  As police searched through his paper bag, they found an ounce and a half of crack cocaine along with an empty can of spraypaint.  Coach Wetz was incarcerated with bail set at $100,000.  This recent photo shows Wetz in his new home, probably daydreaming about where he and his team would be if his star running back, Reggie Bush had not been injured.  Experts agree, Wetz probably wouldn’t be in prison, but his record would probably still be 3-8 either way.

            While it’s obvious, corrective measures need to be made, the real question is, who needs to make these corrective measures, Coach Wetz, or the league commissioner Kyle Erwin?  According to the commissioner, “Wetz is playing with fire and is in serious jeopardy of losing his job.”  Wetz’s Case will be reviewed this coming Wednesday to determine an appropriate punishment.  While some believe his current situation poses enough problems for Coach Wetz, others believe en example needs to be made out of him so that situations such as this don’t happen in the future.  Look at the Chris Erwin marijuana scandal.  The commissioner decided not to punish Coach Erwin, and now we have coaches thinking they can do whatever they want, including drugs.  But then again, Coach Wetz isn’t related to Commissioner Kyle Erwin.  Both of Commissioner Erwin’s brothers have been in serious trouble this season, but neither of them have received any sort of punishment whatsoever for their actions.  Is Erwin just being lenient, or is he favoring his friends and family?  This may be the test that determines whether he’s taking his job seriously or is just creating a scandal of his own.

            While Coaches around the league have been crying out for corrective measures to be taken all season, now may be the time that we finally see some change.  Then again, this could be the turning point where coaches strike back and team up against a lax commissioner.  While it is clear that corrective measures must be taken, what is not so clear is when or how we will see them.  Will Coach Wetz remain in the league?  Will he remain in prison?  Will he face an enormous fine?  Will he even be punished?  Only time will tell….

Erwin during his shooting spree!

          While Coach Derek Erwin of the Muddy Grunts has been on the hot seat all season and may be near the end of his tenure, he has remained calm and could be called anything but hostile…until now.  Early this morning Coach Erwin went on an insane shooting frenzy, shooting 32 and killing 12.  To make matters worse, the rage that triggered his “gone postal” actions began in his own locker room where he shot and injured 8 of his own players.  Included in this coach on player violence was former Heisman trophy winner Carson Palmer, as well as Jeremy Shockey, Sammy Morris, Ahman Green, L.J. Smith, Kerry Collins, Dan Orlovsky, and Ernie Sims.

            While nobody knows for sure exactly what triggered Coach Erwin’s movement of violence, our experts all agree it was most likely a combination of factors that allowed the buildup of enormous stress and pressure while also effectively preventing Coach Erwin a healthy outlet for his stress.  Most analysts believe Coach Erwin’s high stress level began after failing to make the super bowl two years ago.  After taking over a team that was more than capable of winning a championship, Coach Erwin’s discipline dropped down a notch, as did his number of wins.  Last year, he went 7-6. Currently, his team is 3-6 on the season and is a miracle away from making the playoffs.  Additionally, his lack of leadership has allowed his players to consistently under-perform without consequence.  A few weeks ago, coach Erwin used the age old excuse that for his team, “this is a rebuilding year.”  But Erwin has done anything but rebuild his team.  He hasn’t made any trades, and has failed to make any blind bids on the waiver wire which has proven to be one of the most successful and efficient tools for rebuilding any team.

            If this doesn’t sound like the type of situation that would make a coach go insane enough to kill, that’s because you haven’t heard what experts are saying lit the fuse on this ticking time bomb.  Two days after Barack Obama is elected President of the United States, Coach Derek Erwin goes on a shooting frenzy…Coincidence?  We think not.  Coach Erwin was a public supporter of John McCain throughout the election process, and has also made his harsh feelings on Obama public as well.  Coach Erwin was quoted yesterday, just hours before his blood thirsty rage, saying “Change?  We don’t need change!!  The Muddy Grunts don’t need change!!  We need wins, not change!!  If I wanted change, I’d give a dollar to a bank teller!!”  While it was clear there was anger in his voice, it was more unclear if what Erwin said was just a bad joke, or a misunderstanding of the definition of change.  Either way, the election seems to have pushed Erwin over the edge of reason.

            After shooting 32 people, and finally running out of ammunition, Coach Derek Erwin gave himself up screaming “You want change!!  Here’s your fucking change!!” as he threw nickels and dimes at innocent spectators and injured victims.  While Coach Erwin is facing extremely harsh penalties for his actions, including the death penalty, experts predict his brother Kyle Erwin will bail him out with his connections as commissioner, similar to what happened in the Chris Erwin marijuana scandal that just happened to magically disappear out of the record books without a trace.

End of an Error

96% of African Americans voted for Obama.

I have no problem with diversity, in fact, I embrace it. But if we're going to have someone run for office who receives 96% of African American votes, why couldn't he have been Republican? Sigh.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the next President of the United States.

The Lord knows DumbAss when he sees it

There are people I honestly despise. They lack morals, character, and honesty. They replace law and order with anarchy and despotism. In case you can't tell, I'm talking about Coach Ian DougAss here. There are a number of reasons Coach DougAss isn't telling us as to why he wants to deface a social fabric that was already deteriorating. In this article, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that his game plans are a house of mirrors. How are we to find the opening that leads to victory? That happens to be a matter on which I do not care to venture either an opinion or a guess. I do, however, feel that I should state that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Of course, if Coach DougAss had learned anything from history, he'd know that a necessary first step towards victory is to look at Uranus with new eyes, unclouded by a lifetime of false information and deception propagated by insensate brigands. I'll stand by that controversial statement and even assume that most coaches who bring their own real-life experience will agree with it. At a bare minimum, Coach DougAss recently got caught red-handed trying to substitute breast-beating and schwarmerei for play action and honest refereeing. Well, surprise, surprise, surprise, as Gomer Pyle would say.

Granted, it was indeed time to put up or shut up. But I am certain that if I asked the next coach I meet if he would want Coach DougAss to dispense outright misinformation and flashlight-under-the-chin ghost stories, he would say no. Yet we all stand idly by while Coach DougAss claims that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of neo-immature stereotypes. Anyone who thinks that his weak victories won't be used for political retribution has never been hauled before a tribunal and accused of quislingism. Not that I've come to expect any better from him. All of the bad things that are currently going on are a symptom of his malign, grungy shell games. They are not a cause; they are an effect.  This is a coach that is a likely Obama voter.

Coach DougAss ignores the most basic ground rule of football. In case you're not familiar with it, that rule is: attack the line, not the person. If you're interested in the finagling, double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and abject villainy by which he may sensationalize all of the issues any day now, then you'll want to consider the following very carefully. You'll especially want to consider that there's a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There's a time to love and a time to hate. There's a time for war and a time for peace. And, I warrant, there's a time to do what comes naturally. Or, to put it less poetically, I hate Coach DougAss to my very bone marrow. I'll probably devote a separate article to that topic alone, but for now, I'll simply summarize by stating that Coach DougAss's a psychologically defective person. He's what the psychiatrists call a constitutional psychopath or a sociopath.  Obama voter for sure, closet liberal likely.

Coach DougAss wants to create a global players plantation overseen by transnational teams who have no more concern for the human rights of those who play their games or serve on special teams than Coach DougAss has for his kickers. Is this so Coach DougAss can progressively enlarge and increasingly centralize the means of oppression, exploitation, violence, and destruction, or is it to introduce absurd, baseless, terror-ridden lawsuits intended to destroy the lives of countless referees? You be the judge. In either case, all the deals Coach DougAss makes are strictly one-way. Coach DougAss gets all the rights, and the other coach gets all the obligations. To tell you the truth, if the human race is to survive on this planet, we will have to communicate and teach. While Coach DougAss insists that most teams can be defeated not through standard medical research but through the creation of a new language, one that does not stigmatize certain players and quarterback behaviors, reality dictates otherwise. Actually, if you want a real dose of reality, look at how players often get the impression that predatory masters of deceit and Coach DougAss's trucklers are separate entities. Not so. When one catches cold, the other sneezes. As proof, note that when a wide receiver wants to drive inebriated, you try to stop him. Well, Coach DougAss is drunk with power, which is why we must reinforce the contentions of all reasonable people and confute those of effete dorks.  Yes, Coach DumbAss is an effete dork!

As I see it, if natural selection indeed works by removing the weakest and most genetically unfit coaches of a league then Coach DougAss is clearly going to be the first to go. The truth of this is by no means limited to the field of general culture, but applies to politics as well. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that he shouldn't impose ideology, control thought, and punish virtually any behavior he disapproves of. That would be like asking a question at a news conference and, too angry and passionate to wait for the answer, exiting the auditorium before the response. Both of those actions vilify our history, character, values, and traditions. That's the end of this article. If I was unable to convince you that shabby carpetbaggers (especially the sadistic type) do nothing but eat, smell bad, and reproduce while contributing little or nothing productive to the game or the league in return for their upkeep, then you should definitely consider contacting me with your supporting or refuting evidence, opinions, personal stories, etc., so that I can make a better argument in my next article.  Fucking libs.

Coach Bowshit resting at home

What I offer here is an involved yet detached look at Coach Nicky Bowser's reinterpretations of historic events. Perhaps time, further study, and more reflection will either modify or enrich the analysis offered here, but Coach Bowser's circulars stink of cover-ups, stalls, diversionary tactics, legal maneuverings, and other measures that produce a new generation of loathsome chuckleheads whose opinions and prejudices, far from being enlightened and challenged, are simply legitimized. There are a number of reasons Coach Bowser isn't telling us as to why he wants to alter laws, language, and customs in the service of regulating social relations. I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that if he truly believes that he can convince Oompa Loompas to fill out an application form before committing a crime, then maybe he should enroll in Introduction to Reality 101.

He writes a lot of long statements that mean practically nothing. What's sneaky is that Coach Bowser constructs those statements in such a way that it never occurs to his readers to analyze them. Analysis would almost certainly indicate that I would like to give you an example of how churlish Coach Bowser can be. Coach Bowser has admitted that he intends to toss quaint concepts like decency, fairness, and rational debate out the window. Okay, that may have been a particularly bald-faced and unsubtle example but Coach Bowser should practice what he preaches. That's the sort of statement that some people suspect is feckless but which I believe is merely a statement of fact. And it's a statement that needs to be made because it may seem difficult at first to weed out people like Coach Bowser who have deceived, betrayed, and exploited the Oompa Loompa race, It is. But Coach Bowser claims that he is a master of precognition, psychokinesis, remote viewing, and other undeveloped human capabilities. That claim is preposterous and, to use Coach Bowser's own language, overtly vindictive. No history can justify it.

We must halt the adulation heaped upon fickle inaniloquent-types. We must ask Coach Nicky Bowser to rephrase his interviews in a more reasoned way. And we must tell you things that Coach Bowser doesn't want you to know. Please join me in incorporating these words into our living credo.

Barbara, Boeset and wife

Babara Walters recently sat down with head coach of the Oompa Loompas in response to recent allegations against him.

Coach Nicky hanging out

Cleverly hidden within this letter, for added incentive to read onward, is one lie. Not a lie of statistical or grammatical error but a ludicrous falsehood at once so absurd as to strike the reader as an insult to human intelligence and yet so bilious as to convince the reader that Coach Nick Bowser of the Oompa Loompas, otherwise known as the trained seals, have shared the rostrum with what I call splenetic, simple-minded sybarites at recent symposia. To address this in a pedantic manner, in the rest of this letter, factual information will be prefaced as such and my own opinions will be clearly stated as opinions. For instance, it is a fact that by destroying our moral fiber, Bowhser has erected a monument to boosterism. Only it does not seem proper to say that such a thing has been "created". "Excreted", "belched", "spewed", and "spat out" are expressions more appropriate to the object here described. You see, Bowser’s venom-spouting, benighted theatrics are in full flower and their poisonous petals of defeatism are blooming all around us.  God help us should Banger ever reproduce, as if he could ever emerge from his trailer-trashdom and release his grip in his manhood long enough to meet one of the opposite sex.   Do we actually know which would be the ‘opposite’??
He’d probably name her Mackinzie or something equally misleading.
Nick Boswer is the picture of the insane person on the street, babbling to a tree, a wall, or a cloud, which cannot and does not respond to his hariolations. He tries to humiliate his opponents rather than win their understanding. At the risk of sounding a tad redundant, let me add that his campaigns symbolize lawlessness, violence, and misguided rebellion -- extreme liberty for a few, even if the rest of us lose more than a little freedom.  His tendency to peak early shows in his fantasy success as well as in his personal life.  Just ask Mrs. Banger.

Bashgwan is trying to rot our minds with the hallucinatory drug of irreligionism. His mission? To transform our society into a childish war machine. I can easily see him performing the following tendentious acts. First, Nicky will advertise "magical" diets and bogus weight-loss pills. Then, he will irrationalize thinking on every issue. I do not profess to know how likely is the eventuality I have outlined, but it is a distinct possibility to be kept in mind.  Nicholas is as Nicholas does, after all.
In Farsi, ‘Loompa’ translates to ‘Loser’.  This we know.  What isn’t as well known is that the same world language of football translates ‘Oompas’ to ‘Fat Ass’.  Hence, Nicky’s Oopma Loompa team becomes the ‘Fat Ass losers’.  Coincidence?  One hardly thinks so.  Mr. ‘Make a baby’ Bowesrts is not the fool he seems, it seems.
I can't make heads or tails of Bohserws op-ed pieces. I mean, does he want to lead us, lemminglike, over the precipice of self-destruction or doesn't he? I have the following advice for the Oompa Loompa team member: If you can't manage to be grateful for all the things we've done for you, at least have a little dignity, don't whine, and don't expect to be treated like a fragile doll just because you have a theatrically hypersensitive couch and delusions of entitlement forced upon you by his tainted views on life . One can examine this from another angle and plainly see that with him so forcefully causing riots in the streets, things are starting to come to a head. That's why we must discuss the programmatic foundations of his humorless, pigheaded slogans in detail. Must it be explained to him that I have an inveterate hatred of him? Because he obviously doesn't realize that to Loompa's mind, the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters. So that means that without his superior guidance, we will go nowhere, right? No, not right. The truth is that it is not news that Loompa's shills pilfer the national treasure for dubious reasons or for no reason at all. What speaks volumes, though, is that we must show him that we are not powerless pedestrians on the asphalt of life. We must show the prototypical Loompa that we can wake people out of their stupor and call on them to promote peace, prosperity, and quality of life, both here and abroad. Maybe then the Oompa Loompa coach will realize that there's a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There's a time to love and a time to hate. There's a time for war and a time for peace. And, I contend, there's a time to empower the oppressed to control their own lives. Or, to put it less poetically, Bowshit has gotten away with so much for so long that he's lost all sense of caution, all sense of limits. If you think about it, only a man without any sense of limits could desire to create widespread hysteria.

Coach Botshewt is trying hard to convince a substantial number of perfidious kooks to formulate social policies and action programs based on the most dangerous sorts of diabolism in existence. He presumably believes that the "hundredth-monkey phenomenon" will spontaneously incite mentally deficient, bookish good-for-nothings of one sort or another to behave likewise. The reality, however, is that I don't know which are worse, right-wing tyrants or left-wing tyrants. But I do know that just because Nicky and his surrogates don't like being labeled as "belligerent carpetbaggers" or "lecherous wantwits" doesn't mean the shoe doesn't fit. What is the milieu in which churlish slobs inflict more death and destruction than Genghis Khan's hordes? It is the underworld of conspiracy theory, a subculture in which mindless knuckle-draggers share fantasies of fighting heroically against a huge conspiracy that will inflict untold misery, suffering, and distress before you know it. The Oompa Loompa's fantasy is to convince people that their peers are already riding the Oompa Loompa bandwagon and will think ill of them if they don't climb aboard, too. He dreams of a world that grants him such a freedom with no strings attached. Welcome to the world of tribalism! In that nightmare world it has long since been forgotten that were he alive today, Hideki Tojo would be The Oompa Loompa's most trustworthy ally. I can see Tojo joining forces with a Loompa to help him confuse the catastrophic power of state fascism with the repression of an authoritarian government in our minds. To recapitulate, it is widely known and beyond dispute that puerile ideas are continually escaping the confines of Coach Botrswert’s (obviously very weak) mind.
What the fuck IS his name anyways?
 

DEVELOPING...

Recent picture circulating the internet

            With the first week of the NFL past us, and the start of week two just within reach, it is hard to believe that any head coach could have already put his career in jeopardy.  While he led his team to an embarrassing loss in the first week, it was his disgraceful off the field antics that have recently put Coach Derek Erwin in the hot seat. Not only is Derek Erwin, coach of The Muddy Grunts dealing with a devastating loss against Coach Lucas Duralia and his team The Brown Bombers, but he now faces humiliation from recent pictures spreading across the internet.

            According to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, after his loss last Sunday, Coach Erwin was caught drinking away his problems at a tavern somewhere in the Seattle area.  After reaching a desired level of intoxication in which his worries of an inadequate team had temporarily disappeared, Coach Erwin began to look for a high end prostitute.  After finding a hooker that met his standards, Erwin realized he spent all but $25 on booze, so he stumbled down to a part of town appropriately known as the “Tranny Trailerpark”.  He knew this is where he could get the most for his money.

            Upon entering a trailer, Coach Erwin was instantly recognized by a few other customers in the crowd.  Unfortunately Erwin was too inebriated to realize these customers taking pictures with camera phones.  Today, one of these photos made its way to a variety of news sources across the internet.  The source of the photo is demanding Coach Erwin pay him $25,000 or he will release a new photo every week, with each one being more embarrassing than the last.

            While nobody really knows how many photos there actually are, is Coach Erwin willing to bet his career that there aren’t any more?  When asked about this during a press conference earlier today, Coach Erwin was quoted saying “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”  Before he was able to go on, he was interrupted by the press only to be reminded that the sex of his accomplice was under question and that she very likely might not be a she at all.  Erwin followed up without comment, but instead with a giant middle finger directed at everyone in the press conference.

            When asked about how he plans to handle the situation, Coach Erwin claimed he was going to get drunk and hope it all goes away.  He said he refuses to pay off the mystery man blackmailing him, and that if the league wants to suspend him as a coach because some douchebag knows how to use Photoshop than so be it.

            When Erwin brought up the possibility that someone may have Photoshopped his face onto the picture, we decided to put our photo analysts to work and verify the credibility of the photgraph.  After five long minutes, our analysts decided it must be Erwin due to the fact that he was clearly wearing the same sweater on Sunday during his first game.

            While everyone is unsure how this situation is going to pan out, Coach Erwin seems confident that he can bounce back from this devastating first week.  He said he plans to go out and get his first win of the season this coming Sunday.  While everyone is wondering how this upcoming week is going to affect how this situation resolves, one thing is expected: If he can get a win, maybe he won’t have to go drink with the trannies.

Erwin after his run in with the law

When coach Chris Erwin made that infamous 2007 preseason trade of Terrell Owens, Jamal Lewis, and Jason Taylor for Rudi Johnson and a 10^th round draft pick, owners, coaches, and even players league-wide were wondering, “What the hell is he smoking?”  Just yesterday, Erwin had a run in with the law that not only answered that age old question, but also put all of our suspicions to rest.  While coach Erwin hasn’t recently received nearly as much press as he has in previous years (winning the Super Bowl in 2006, making that blockbuster trade that practically handed the 2007 championship to coach Lucas Duralia, and then of course his stubborn refusal to hand over the Super Bowl trophy to its rightful owner), it is still no surprise to see him making headlines on the front page of newspapers nationwide.

            Last night around 11:30 PM, coach Erwin was pulled over by Officer David Cox of the Seattle Police Department under suspicions of driving under the influence.  Officer Cox, who has recently transferred to Seattle from the small town of Corvallis, Oregon, instantly recognized Erwin upon pulling him over.  While Erwin has had several past run-ins with Cox down in Corvallis, Cox only spoke of one such instance.  “I remember he had this really gay mohawk and had pierced his ears.” recalled Cox with a tone of disgust.  “I found him and a group of his delinquent friends breaking into a Christian church group house with tackling dummies they stole from the local high school football field.  It truly was pathetic.  I really wish somebody would explain to me how he got a gig coaching a professional football team.”  

            With a long history of instinctually knowing whether a driver is driving under the influence of alcohol, Officer Cox soon realized that Erwin wasn’t drunk at all, instead he was high…”Higher than a kite.” Cox announced to the press earlier today.

            According to Cox, when he asked Erwin to define the strange yet somehow familiar smoky smell inside the car, Erwin, without hesitation pulled out a neatly rolled joint claiming it was a hand rolled cigarette.  Originally fooled by Erwin’s gutsy, yet not so well thought out plan to avoid detection, Officer Cox began to walk away when Erwin called him back to the car.  According to Cox, when he once again arrived to the driver’s window, Erwin pointed to the back seat to offer him a piece of what “appeared to be 3 week old cheesecake with soggy urine colored frosting.”  While baffled by Erwin’s strange stoner-like actions, Cox’s attention was immediately diverted to the homemade gravity bong sitting next to the cake.  When questioned about the homemade smoking utensil, Erwin said it was “for jeebers…and also so he could have his cake and eat it too.”  Although Officer Cox didn’t have any idea what coach Erwin was talking about, he did know without a doubt that Erwin was high enough to offer him old urine cake, and therefore high enough to receive a citation.

            Erwin was written up for driving under the influence of marijuana as well as possession of marijuana paraphernalia.  Although recent pictures taken on the night of the incident suggest that Erwin was also in possession of marijuana, Officer Cox was unable to find any definitive evidence of these suspicions.  According to Cox, he “searched every square inch of the car and all of his searchable property just shy of a full body cavity search.”  Coincidentally, friends of coach Chris Erwin have recently claimed that they learned early on that “Chris likes to put things in his ass” and that “sometimes the only way to find anything is to man up, get down, and start digging through the mud,”  It would appear that Cox missed his golden opportunity.

            While this story may be a great read to some, league officials are anything but entertained.  There have been recent rumors of a multi-million dollar fine, and a possible 4 game suspension from coaching.his new team Los Detenidos de Guantanamo.  On the other hand, there have also been rumors circulating that Erwin may not face any consequences at all.  With his younger brother acting as the current league commissioner, many skeptics are predicting a more lenient punishment such as no jeebers for a week.  Whatever the consequence, one thing is for sure:  It just wouldn’t be the start of a new fantasy football season without coach Chris Erwin doing something so stupid that everyone around the league starts to wonder, “what the hell is he smoking?”

Leinart Sits Down for an Interview

BREAKING NEWS:

Mere minutes after being drafted onto the French-rules flag football team known as "Le Gay Douches", former SC standout and reigning beer-bong-drinking champion Matt Leinart was on the phone with his agent demanding a trade. 

Seeing an opportunity to bring in quality leadership and drinking experience:  The Channel 4 News Team.  General Manager Kyle Erwin was largely unavailable for comment immediately after the trade, and was only around long enough to say, "It's always difficult to bring in a new quarterback.  Right now, as a team, we have a lot of work to do.  I mean, somebody's got to get their ass to Home Depot and get some funnels, we need to get a lot of bitches here on pretty much no notice whatsoever, and, jesus, I don't even know if it's possible at this hour to get as many kegs as we're going to need.  Leinart is going to get right down to business and show us how to throw one HELL of a party."

Leinart was ecstatic about joining the News Team and even happier about leaving the douches:  "Man, you, like, don't even know how happy I am.  Like, those French fuckers are fucking pussies when it comes to partying.  Just being, like, on the team was so, like, BAD for my image, y'know?  I mean.... fuuuuck."

Emails sent to Head Coach Lucas Duralia of the Gay Douches were not immediately returned.